Friday, 19 October 2012

Some Things About Girls Aloud and Something New

*We apologise for any swearing in this post. Girls Aloud make us feel like that. In a f*cking good way.

So by now you will probably know that Girls Aloud are back. They have a new single imaginatively titled Something New and it’s sh*t out bricks brilliant. You will also soon be able to purchase Ten, a greatest hits album, released in November, which like all the best Greatest Hits albums will actually contain all of their best songs, because that’s what pop bands are about – singles not albums. So it’s a Best Of and a Greatest Hits.

Here are some further thoughts:

Nicola Roberts is Girls Aloud’s pistol in the pocket.

Girls Aloud’s secret weapon has always been N-Robz. N-Robz is what makes Girls Aloud different. Girls Aloud have finally realised this. Look at where she’s positioned in the picture above. Not to the side, or tucked away at the back but right in the middle. It is this transition from Nicola the ginger that couldn’t dance, couldn’t sing whom no one wanted’ to ‘N-Robz the sexy talented intelligent human and amazing pop star’ that completes the Girls Aloud journey.

After the 2013 tour Girls Aloud must never get back together again.

This tour needs to be like having sex with someone you not only fancy the pants off but love truly and deeply, but knowing that because they are about to die or move to another part of the world to marry someone else you will never get this opportunity again. In other words, a proper final passionate, sweaty, romp.

Girls Aloud are the best female only vocal pop group since the 1960’s. Fact.

Spice Girls ? Pah. Destiny’s Child ? Bleurgh. Bananarama ? Nowhere near. The reason ? None of those bands Greatest Hits LP’s would have so many great hits on it. Nor do any of them have N-Robz.

When the girls tour next year the set must only be about Girls Aloud.

But if they insist on performing solo career stuff only Cheryl (Fight For This Love) and N-Robz (Beat Of My Drum, Say It Out Loud and Take A Bite) should be allowed to perform. Throw fairness out of the window – it needs to be about quality.

It doesn’t matter who you are, tweeting pictures of your food is dull.

The girls need to improve their new twitter feed. It took less than 20 tweets before we saw a picture of their breakfast. Next they’ll be tweeting pictures of their pussies  cats to the world – the ultimate in dull tweets.

The music shouldn’t end here though.

N-Robz should have another crack at a solo album. The first one was the most honest and exciting pop record of 2011. Next time maybe she could transfer those qualities into a commercial success.

The Greatest Hits album will be one of the best albums of 2012.

Those who think that Ten shouldn’t count  in end of year best of charts because it’s a greatest hits and is pop music can f*ck right off. How can any album that has the likes of Biology, Love Machine, Call The Shots, Sound of the Underground and The Promise not be one of the best albums of the year? To deny it shows that you’re some sort of smug intellectual who doesn’t understand pop music.

The new single (below) is something kind of ooooh… No, it’s something kind of f*cking amazing. 

F.U.C.K.I.N.G  A.M.A.Z.I.N.G  No need for asterisks.

Girls Aloud - Something New

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