What you looking at? Stop f*cking laughing at my f*cking red nose you fucking c*nts. Haven’t you ever seen a f*cking red nose before? Haven’t you heard that it’s f*cking Christmas eve tonight and that I’ve got to f*cking get tied up with the stupidly named Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen and go and pull a f*ckin’ ridiculously heavy sleigh with a fat man in a red coat sitting on top of it all across the f*ckin world? Someone should call the RSPCA.
Actually I quite like the name Donner. Not as good as Rudolph of course (yeah you can call me Rude-Oaf if you want, just like the poxy elves do). Donner reminds me of a kebab and to be really f*ckin’ honest I’d rather be out down the high street getting lashed with the other reindeer lads in a pub, getting in a drunken fight and then scoffing that kebab before I’m sick than doing this present delivery shite, but you know, it’s tradition and all that.
So think of me tonight whilst you’re all having fun on Christmas eve.
Oh yeah, I’m meant to be choosing a Christmas tune to feature on this blog. F*ck it here ya go. This one's pissing good - synths and sax. Have a bleak f*cking Christmas.
Lovestarrs - Tinsel
Here is a picture of the UK pop trio Lovestarrs to accompany their new song Bullet, streaming below, which is taken from forthcoming EP Supernova due on the 5th August. As you can see the band look pretty glum. However, in the world of pop and rock n roll, looking glum is a near prerequisite. It implies that you're serious about your art. Take for example electronic rock / pop types Depeche Mode, masters of looking serious...
Serious
Serious again
Still serious
Serious despite the comical jumpers
Keeping it serious forever
Yep
What the f*ck?
And so we offer a word of caution to Lovestarrs; if you ever become a foursome, it will be a road downhill to smiles (and quite possibly terrible mullets as well).
Here's the song - a real rush of a tune about leaving the past behind you. It'll give you a smile faster than a bullet. We're serious.
Lovestarrs - Bullet
Today is the day where (if judging by last year) many men will be cooking their girlfriends steak to show them that:
1. They’re manly, because steak is a very manly thing.
2. They can cook.
3. In the UK at least, it’s too cold for a barbeque (if Valentine’s day was in July in the UK all the ladies would be getting burnt sausages).
4. Last year wasn’t a one off. (By year 3, if it's still going strong they'll have probably given up with that idea though and will instead suggest 'going down the pub with my mates' would be a suitably romantic gesture or maybe a loving gift of two tickets to the football on Saturday.)
Their girlfriends will then proclaim the cooking of the steak to be the most romantic thing ever (particularly if the man also purchased some over-priced red roses to thrust at her, hoping that he’ll be thrusting something else in her later). She’ll then post a photo of it on Instagram. For that (apparently) is a sign of true love.
In the meantime, while that’s going on we suggest playing this song. The second track from Lovestarrs (whose debut track Get Your Sexy On we featured here and could probably be played after the steak) seems appropriate today. It’s called Stupid Cupid. “Do you ever feel like cupid is a bitch?” the band state. Well if the god of desire, erotic love, attraction and affection is the reason this free download got created, he can’t be all that bad can he?
Lovestarrs - Stupid Cupid
Big pop hook alert.
Getting dropped by your record label can be a kick in the teeth for any artist, but probably even more frustrating is not being allowed to release your music after the event. Such was the fate of The Good Natured, who it seems didn’t have the greatest music industry version of a pre-nuptial and couldn’t claw back the masters of their debut album Prism for an independent release. However as the saying goes, once shit happens you have to turn it into compost and since last July The Good Natured have grown into Lovestarrs.
The first flower from their new garden of music is Get Your Sexy On, a title that we’re sure the likes of Justin Timberlake would be immensely proud of. Before we’d even heard a note we’d already conceived visions of the band writhing around provocatively in their underwear to a steamy backing of ridiculously hot dirty electronic r ‘n’ b, quite possibly in front of handcuffed and gagged record industry executives.
We were wrong. It’s better than that; Get Your Sexy On is a pop song of multiple orgasms. Like a teenage boy in the sack it might only last two minutes and fifty three seconds, but in that time the chorus explodes again and again until by the end you’re left feeling spent, blown out and wanting to hear it all again. Phew, we're going for a cold shower after this.
Lovestarrs - Get Your Sexy On
